Category Archives: Random Rants

I was standing on the train platform the other day and I saw a guy waiting for the train. He was standing right where the train doors open and the passengers get out. It was pretty obvious that he was standing in the wrong spot. There is a diagram drawn on the floor with brightly colored arrows showing you where to stand. And this jackass was obviously in the wrong place. I watched as the train rolled up and the guy blocked the exit for all the passengers shuffling off. If ignorance is bliss, this was the happiest mother fucker on the planet. People who can’t follow simple instructions amaze me. I don’t know how can they make it so far in life without getting hit by a bus or falling off a cliff.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

The Lagunitas Brewing Company never fails to impress me. Each of their beers is amazingly delicious and drinkable. The Hairy Eyeball Ale is another one of their success stories. It’s a winter seasonal American Strong Ale. And it really is strong. It’s 9.4% alcohol by volume, so be sure to pace yourself because it goes down so easy (like your sister on prom night). There’s a nice sweet, almost fruity aroma with caramel malts and nut notes as well. It has a nice malty backbone, and you can taste prunes, raisins, caramel, toasted bread, and nuts. There is a slight amount of hop bitterness, but not as much as you would expect from an ale with such a high ABV. It’s definitely more malty than it is hoppy. This is not a good beer. It’s a great beer. It’s better than your sister on prom night. And everyone says your sister’s amazing on prom night.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Chick flicks are movies primarily targeted towards women and overly sensitive guys. They are typically lighthearted romantic comedies about a hot white girl falling in love with Matthew McConaughey or Channing Tatum or Tom Hanks for some reason. Chicks love chick flicks, the sappier the better. Guys pretend that they hate them, but every guy has a secret soft spot for at least one cheesy rom com. Mine is When Harry Met Sally. Meg Ryan has that sexy girl-next-door thing going on and Billy Crystal is always funny and delightful. But for the most part guys try to avoid watching chick flicks unless they are trying to score some brownie points. And that’s how it should be. They are chick flicks, not dick flicks. I can proudly say that I’ve never seen The Notebook, but I know more than a few guys who were forced to watch Magic Mike. Those poor souls never fully recovered. There are some perks to being single I guess.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

I hate when people ask you if they can ask you a favor. Stop wasting my time. Just be direct and tell me what you want. Get to the point. There’s no need to play games. Besides, asking someone if you can ask them a favor makes them more hesitant to help you out. It makes the favor seem like it’s a bigger deal than it really is. And you don’t want them to be the slightest bit reluctant before you ask them for something. The best way to ask someone for a favor is to butter them up and remind them that you’re a great person with many outstanding qualities. Or you can simply bribe them with money or beer. People will do anything for money or beer.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

It’s kind of funny how life goes in cycles. My parents were both born and raised in San Francisco. They grew up, married each other, and moved to Marin County to start a family and wound up with four kids. Now my sister and I live in San Francisco. We don’t live together, but we both live in the Sunset District and that’s also where our parents lived. My house is just a few blocks from where my dad once lived, and my sister is close to my mom’s childhood home. It’s kind of cool. It’s like we are neighbors in time. I go to the same places that they used to go to. I ride the same bus lines that they did. I do the same things that they were doing thirty years earlier. Being neighbors in time makes me feel more connected to them. The past is more present than you think.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

One of the worst things about bartending is when you get citric acid in your cut. Most of the time it’s a cut that you didn’t even know that you had. Even the slightest drop of lemon or lime juice is enough to make you cringe. It’s painful enough getting a bullshit minuscule cut, but citric acid makes it ten times worse. Those fuckers from Jackass were willing to give each other self-inflicted paper cuts, but they drew the line at lemon juice. I wouldn’t wish getting citric acid in a cut upon my worst enemy. It’s something that no person should have to endure. There should be a charity to prevent it from happening. I know that I would donate a few bucks to such a worthy cause.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

There are very few things more sad and depressing than an aging porn star. I used to think that Jenna Jameson was sexy, beautiful, and stunning. Now she’s haggard and decrepit beyond description. She just has too many miles on her cooter and that’s not really attractive. It’s kind of boner-killing in fact. Nothing makes you more flaccid than an aging porn star. It’s not good porn if you can’t get hard. An aging porn star makes you think about your own mortality, and that’s not a good thing when you’re just trying to get off. The porn industry is a business that you should only be in for a few years. And I’m saying this as a career server. You should retire from the game when you start approaching your forties. Nobody wants to see flaps and folds and wrinkles in your nether regions.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Kids have forts. Adults have secret hiding spots. Everybody should have a secret hiding spot, their own little fortress of solitude. It should be a place to escape to when you need a little peace and quiet. It’s a place to reflect and a place to take girls to. My secret hiding spot is a park/viewpoint on a hill overlooking the San Francisco Bay. It’s easy to miss and hard to get to. Consider yourself lucky if I’ve taken you there. A secret hiding spot should be a shared secret. You don’t want everybody to know about it, but it should be too cool to keep it to yourself. Tell a few trustworthy people about it and it becomes an unofficial clubhouse for your group. You’ll meet there, you’ll drink there, you’ll smoke there. Your secret hiding spot should be a place you are proud of, and if it’s not than it’s not worth keeping secret.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Sports are great and rivalries make them even better. Everyone has a favorite sports team, and most teams have a rival that you hate. The Giants hate the Dodgers, the Seahawks hate the 49ers, the Celtics hate the Lakers, the Red Sox hate the Yankees (and so does everyone else). A good rivalry makes the game more intense and interesting. There is more at stake when you are playing your enemies. It’s pride, it’s honor, it’s bragging rights. You can have a losing season but still feel like champions if you beat your rivals. Case in point, I’m a Giants fan. We had a mediocre season last year, while the Dodgers won the division and went on to the playoffs. But the Giants beat the Dodgers in the season series, so at least I have something to rub in the faces of Dodgers fans. It’s not much, but it’s something so I’ll take it.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

I remember my little sisters once had a friend over and their friend left our house in a huff because my sisters wouldn’t let her feed my dog those red berries that get birds drunk. You know what I’m talking about… Those orangish-red berries that grow in bunches on that bush… I don’t know the name of the plant, I’m not a botanist, but birds eat them and then they fly into windows and die. It would be sad if it weren’t so funny. It’s evolution in action. It’s survival of the fittest. Some guys cants hold their booze, and some birds can’t handle their berries. I like those red berries that get birds drunk. I haven’t tried them, but I like them. They make life more interesting.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

A slow clap is when something climactic happens and a lone person acknowledges it by clapping, slowly at first, then faster and faster as people start joining in, and the clapping builds in intensity and loudness. A slow clap is the Hollywood movie cliche that you most want to experience in real life. You’ve always harbored a secret desire to witness something amazing or inspirational just so you can start a slow clap. You’ve probably tried it at least once. Maybe at your sister’s wedding to mixed results. It will happen. You just got to recognize your moments and seize your opportunities. I did a successful slow clap at a funeral once. It was the highlight of my day.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

86 is restaurant code for when an item is temporarily out of stock. For example, you are 86 ranch dressing if you run out of it. You might be 86 New York Strips for a few hours if the steaks aren’t fully thawed yet. It’s a 68 when you get the item back in stock and/or you can sell it again. 86 can also be taken out of the restaurant and applied to real world situations. It’s fun to say that you’ve 86ed your bad habits. It’s even more fun to refer to recently deceased celebrities as being 86ed. You might offend some people, but most people will think you’re hilariously witty and smart. 86 is a practical term. You should adopt it as your own and use it as your catchphrase.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

I saw an old old coworker on the bus today. It had been a few years since I had last seen her and we gave each other the obligatory awkward acquaintance hug. The awkward acquaintance hug is that hug you have when you see somebody that you used to be close with but haven’t seen in a long time. It’s uncomfortable. It makes you feel uncomfortable. It makes them feel uncomfortable. It makes everyone unfortunate enough to witness it feel uncomfortable. You fumble your way into an embrace that you hold for slightly too long. You ask about how they are doing. You give each other updates and mention anything newsworthy. Then you wish them good luck and find an excuse to leave. A few days later you mention that you saw so-and-so on the bus and you have a new story to share in the break room.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young