You walk all the time, you’re pretty good at it. Sometime you’re walking from one spot to another, just like you’ve done a thousand times before, when suddenly you slip. You regain your balance before you fall on your ass, and you glance around hoping no one saw you slip. But someone always does, usually somebody who already thinks you’re stupid. They’ll say something witty like, “Don’t worry, nobody saw that.” And you’ll pretend to laugh, but you’re dying inside.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Filed under Random Rants
Adam Sandler is Billy Madison in Billy Madison. Tamra Davis (Half Baked) directs Adam Sandler in his first starring role. Billy must prove to his father that he is competent enough to take over the family business. The best way to prove his competence is to repeat first grade through his senior year in high school, spending two weeks in each grade. This wasn’t a box office hit, but it’s Adam Sandler’s best movie.
Billy Madison is a loser. A rich loser. He spends his days getting drunk and chasing imaginary penguins around his dad’s mansion. Billy is the heir to the Madison Hotel chain, but his dad doesn’t know if he can handle the pressure of running a Fortune 500 company. Billy proposes that he goes back to school to show that he can graduate without his dad’s help or influence.
Billy starts reliving his childhood two weeks at a time. He draws a blue duck with Miss Lippy in first grade. He falls for Veronica Vaughn (Bridgette Wilson), his third grade teacher, and he makes friends with Ernie and a few other students. Elementary and middle school is fun, but eventually Billy winds up in high school again. This time he isn’t as popular as the last time around and he makes amends with people he bullied in high school (like Steve Buscemi in an awesome cameo).
The villain of the story is Eric Gordon (Bradley Whitford), who stands to gain Madison Hotels if Billy fails. Naturally he tries to sabotage Billy, and when Billy finds out he challenges him to an academic decathlon to determine who takes over the business.
I am beginning to suspect a certain trend of happy endings in Hollywood movies, because Billy ends up winning even though he’s probably suffering from brain damage. Billy is not smart. He has occasional flashes of brilliance, but he’s not a smart character. He knows that there is no “w” in “couch” but still struggles to spell it correctly. He’s mean too. He picks on little kids and belittles them and makes no attempt to say sorry or rectify the situation.
There are some great supporting roles in this movie. Norm Macdonald stands out as Billy’s loser friend. He’s the kind of guy who steals thirty bagged lunches, lights bags filled with shit on fire, and has pickle races down store windows. Chris Farley plays an angry bus driver. He throws a banana peel out the bus window, and shots of the slowly decomposing peels become interspersed throughout the movie, before the peel leads to the demise of the O’Doyle clan.
There is a simple plot with a lot of random moments. A lot of elaborate sequences have no real bearing on the movie, most notably the opening chase of the imaginary penguin. There’s a sudden musical number, as inspiring as it is confusing. The movie doesn’t take itself seriously, but there should be more of a reason behind gags like that.
This is Adam Sandler’s best movie. Happy Gilmore is the only other candidate for his best movie. Sandler is not that funny. He is goofy. He makes weird noises and makes fun of lunch ladies. He’s not a great comedian, but he can turn a film into a vehicle for himself and that’s not easy to do. If you missed the ‘90s for whatever reason, you can watch this movie and catch up.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Entertainment
Pulp Fiction. Spider-Man 2. Step Brothers. Futurama. Family Guy. Phil Lamarr links them all. Phil Lamarr is mostly a voiceover actor, appearing in dozens of animated shows and video games. But he also is recognizable from his gigs on MADtv and being “that guy” in lots of other things. I don’t feel sorry for him. He has a steady career with lots of cool jobs on his resume. I just feel bad that he doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves. Look at his bio on Wikipedia or IMDB, it’s pretty impressive. You’ve had this guy in your living room dozens of times without realizing it.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
X2 is a great sequel and one of the best comic book movies to date. Bryan Singer returns to direct, and most of the cast from the original come back, with a few new mutants and characters joining the fun. The story is bigger, the stakes are higher, the fights are more elaborate… this is a perfect sequel.
The movie starts with a bang as the teleporting Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming) launches a near fatal attack on the US President. The President escapes injury, but the stage is set for the next level of the mutant/human war. Professor X (Patrick Stewart) dispatches Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) and Storm (Halle Berry) to track down Nightcrawler, while Professor X and Cyclops (James Marsden) go to visit Magneto in his plastic prison.
Magneto (Ian McKellen) has been tortured into giving William Stryker (Brian Cox) information about Xavier’s school for mutants. Stryker has been using his son’s power to manipulate and control mutants. Professor X and Cyclops walk into Stryker’s trap and they are captured. He plans on manipulating Xavier into using Cerebro to kill all the mutants.
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) has been hunting around Alkali Lake for clues to his past, but when he doesn’t find anything, he returns to the mansion and winds up acting as the babysitter while everyone else is advancing the plot. He catches up with Rogue (Anna Paquin) and meets her new boyfriend Bobby Drake a.k.a. Iceman (Shawn Ashmore). The happy homecoming is short-lived as Stryker’s forces attack the mansion and the mutants are forced to flee.
Iceman takes Rogue, Wolverine and their friend John/Pyro (Aaron Stanford) to his parent’s house to hide out. Iceman comes out as a mutant to his family, and they aren’t too accepting. His little brother calls the cops on them and there’s a little showcase of raw mutant power before the X-Men (minus Cyclops and Xavier) all meet up again.
The X-Men are making their escape, but then the get attacked, but then they are saved by Magneto and Mystique. And so they decide to all join forces and become X-Men United. They make their way to Alkali Lake to confront Stryker, save Xavier, and save the world. Of course there has to be a slight twist and so there is one. So if you haven’t seen this movie that’s been out for more than nine years, be grateful that I didn’t spoil anything. This movie sets everything up for a great third installment, but then Bryan Singer left and Brett Ratner came in to ruin the final film.
One thing that has bothered me since the first time that I saw this movie is that Iceman doesn’t stop the raging floodwaters. I mean he’s Iceman. He can turn water vapor into ice. Surely he can turn cold water into ice. I mean there’s snow all around, it’s already cold, and it wouldn’t be that hard.
The first movie uses mutants as a metaphor for racism and equality. Charles Xavier is like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Magneto is like Malcolm X. This movie uses mutants as a metaphor for homosexuality and equality. Iceman comes out to his parents. He fearfully tells them that he is a mutant and his mom’s response is, “Have you tried not being a mutant?”. Director Bryan Singer is gay, and for him to include a scene like this in a summer blockbuster could have been controversial, but I think it adds to the context of the film.
This is a great movie, it’s a great sequel. It’s the best X-Men movie to date. There are great characters and awesome fights. There are morals and messages and themes and references to the comics that only avid fans will get. The opening sequence with Nightcrawler is one of the best opening scenes in any movie. It draws you in and you are instantly hooked.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Filed under Entertainment
SweeTarts are sweet and sour candies made by the Willy Wonka Candy Company. I wish that Oompa-Loompas actually made this candy, but Wonka is owned by Nestle. They are kind of chalky and pasty; you either love them or hate them. A quick look on Wikipedia tells me that they are essentially the same recipe as Pixy Stix or Lik-M-Aid, just in pill form as opposed to powdered. Get kids hooked on sugar and they will keep coming back. I can’t really tell what the flavors are, but they come in different colors and that’s good enough for me.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Snacks
Kung Fu Panda was a surprisingly good film, and this sequel takes everything good about the first one, and expands it. It is a deeper and more complex film but is just as entertaining as the first one. Director Jennifer Yuh Nelson directs and Jack Black reprises his role as Po the Kung Fu Panda. It’s a cool CG movie with lots of action, comedy, and heart.
Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, David Cross, Seth Rogan, Lucy Liu, and Dustin Hoffman all return for the sequel, and Gary Oldman, Michelle Yeoh, Danny McBride, Dennis Haysbert, and Jean-Claude Van Damme join the voice cast as well. Props must be given to Jennifer Yuh Nelson for directing the highest grossing movie ever for a woman. Being a Korean American, she respects Asian culture and it shows on screen.
The main villain of this movie is an evil peacock tyrant named Lord Shen (Gary Oldman) who fears that a panda will one day defeat him. So he kills off all the pandas in China, except for one… the one who would grow up to be Po the Dragon Warrior (Jack Black). Po is living with his goose dad, Mr. Ping, and he begins to question his origins. Ping explains that he found Po in a radish crate when he was a baby, and he adopted him.
Po’s teacher, Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) continues training Po, saying that he still has to achieve inner peace. Shifu soon finds out that Lord Shen has returned to power. Shen has a powerful new weapon that is capable of wiping out Kung Fu. It’s up to Po and his animal posse to stop him.
They have a few battles with Shen, and they lose when Po’s past catches up with him. Shen and Po fight and it looks like Shen kills Po. But Po is the Kung Fu Panda and the franchise wouldn’t work without him, and so Po comes back and saves the day, having finally achieved inner peace. Inner peace makes you a more violent and efficient fighter. The movie ends on a cliffhanger, setting things up for a third chapter.
Kung Fu Panda was a fun movie. Kung Fu Panda 2 is a fun movie that is about self-discovery. Po is questioning who he is. His past comes into play. It references the first film while preparing you for the next one. It is the perfect second act in a trilogy. I have high hopes for the next one.
The animation is pretty good. It’s not as impressive as Pixar’s animation, but it serves the story well. The story is improved over the first one. It explores more themes and delves into more complex issues than the first movie.
Jack Black pretty much plays Jack Black in all his movies. When you hear Jack Black but see a fat panda, it is more enjoyable. He has a face made for voiceover.
Kung Fu Panda 2 is on par or perhaps exceeds the original. DreamWorks will never be Pixar, but they still know how to entertain.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Entertainment
Double fisting is not sexual slang, it’s when you get two drinks at once. After a stressful day at work, or a regular day at work, or a day off from work it’s nice to go to the local watering hole and grab a drink. But it’s pointless to grab just one drink because you know that you will have another one soon. So you should get two drinks. And you should mix it up because variety is nice. So you get an IPA and a Jack & Coke. You settle down and relax a bit, switching between your fluids and making friendly conversation. But you have to pay attention to which drink to grab when double fisting. You don’t want to run out of your beer before you finish your Jack & Coke and vice versa. It’s a balancing act and a delicate one at that. So mind the stepchildren and stay aware.
Critically Rated at 11/17
The Wachowski brothers direct the third and final installment of the Matrix trilogy. Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, and Hugo Weaving reprise their roles as Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, and Agent Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith also returns, and this time she actually affects the plot. The machines are ready to attack Zion, and Neo is still in a coma. I hope that everything turns out ok.
Revolutions picks up right where Reloaded leaves off. Neo is in a coma, machines are bearing down on the last refuge of mankind, and the human race is looking pretty fucked. Neo is trapped in purgatory, which looks a lot like a subway station. The subway is controlled by The Trainman (Bruce Spence). The Trainman is an ally of the Merovingian, and Trinity and Morpheus pay him a visit and ultimately succeed in freeing Neo.
Neo visits the Oracle one last time, and this time she looks different. That’s because the original actress died and they had to replace her. They act like it’s an intentional recasting and an essential part of the story. Actors sometimes die during the filming of a movie, and this was an awkward way to handle it. They could have simply not used the Oracle character again, or they could have recast and not addressed it like when Richard Harris died and Michael Gambon took over as Dumbledore, or they could have used old footage and stand-ins like in The Crow. It cheapens the memory of Gloria Foster, and even though Mary Alice does a good job, she is still an imposter.
In the real world, Agent Smith still has possession over an ally of Neo’s named Bane. Bane sneaks onto Neo’s ship and beats the shit out of Trinity and blinds Neo with a power cable, but Neo discovers a new ability to see machines and programs as glowing entities.
Morpheus and Niobe are trying to get back to Zion and save it from the Sentinels. They do some crafty maneuvering to get back home, and get back in the nick of time and set off an EMP, stopping the machines temporarily, but putting Zion in grave danger in the process.
Neo reaches the Machine City and warns them that Agent Smith will take over the Matrix, and that’s bad for both machines and humans and so they decide to make peace, and Neo enters the Matrix to face his enemy.
Smith has taken over the Matrix, every single occupant is one of his copies. And rather than fight them all at once like he did in the second movie, he fights just one of them as the rest watch, as bored as you are by this point. First they fight on the ground. And then they fight in the sky. And they fly around punching and kicking and talking about the inevitable. And you are glancing at your watch. It is sad when a franchise with so much potential ends with poorly animated CG replicas of Keanu Reeves and Hugo Weaving slapping each other in a green thunderstorm in the sky.
I won’t tell you how the movie ends, because I don’t think it’s even worth talking about. It’s just a disappointment. It’s confusing, it’s incoherent… the Wachowskis will pretend like it’s deep and an intellectual movie. It’s not. It’s a pretentious piece of crap. It’s noise. How long can you see a sea of metallic sperm attacking cave people before you don’t give a fuck? No one cares about Zion. It’s called THE MATRIX… this isn’t the Terminator. Machines with A.I. has been done before, getting jacked into an artificial world is slightly more original.
The Matrix trilogy is a pretty decent trilogy all in all. The first movie is the best. The second movie starts to slip and falter, but has some great moments (mostly the freeway sequences). The third movie is just bad. All the best ideas for action scenes had already been used. It just feels tired and drags on and on. There isn’t anything that stands out in the movie. It’s just a sad end to a once great franchise. At least The Animatrix was good.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Filed under Entertainment
Eyebrows are weird. Most of the time you don’t notice them. Unless they are retarded looking, you generally won’t notice them. It is a weird evolutionary feature. Fuzzy strips of fur above your eyes. Why not? Some girls pluck their brows so much that they actually need to draw them on. Whoopie Goldberg and the Mona Lisa both don’t have eyebrows. It’s kind of creepy. Some people only have one eyebrow. The unibrow is the ultimate eyebrow. Evidently some people have never heard or, or simply don’t believe in tweezers. To each their own.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Filed under Random Rants
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