Tag Archives: cookie

May 17, 2014 · 10:00 am

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Oatmeal raisin cookies are cookies that are made with oatmeal and raisins. You usually find them at Grandma’s house. I don’t like oatmeal raisin cookies because they are deceptive. They try to look like chocolate chip cookies. That doesn’t sound so bad until you consider that chocolate chip cookies are among the best types of cookie and oatmeal raisin cookies are among the worst. There’s nothing more disappointing than taking a big bite of a chocolate chip cookie and discovering that it’s disgusting oatmeal raisin. You feel like you got duped and you did. You feel violated. You’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to trust another cookie again. You’re not sure if you want to. Oatmeal raisin cookies should be banned. I don’t know anybody who actually likes them. And I don’t want to know about it if you do.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie

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June 19, 2013 · 10:06 am

Graham Cracker

Graham crackers were invented by a minister named Sylvester Graham. They were a fixture of a diet partially designed to curb masturbation. Seriously. You can’t make that shit up. He thought that eating bland food would suppress your carnal urges. A graham cracker is a lightly sweetened type of cracker that tastes almost like a cookie, except it’s slightly healthier for you. Graham crackers are a staple of children’s lunches and day care snack times around the world. They are a crucial part of your childhood. Your affection for graham crackers starts to wane once you hit puberty. Can you even remember the last time you had just a graham cracker and nothing else? S’mores don’t count. You haven’t had a graham cracker by itself since middle school, admit it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 22, 2012 · 9:50 am

Twix

Two for me, none for you. Twix are cookies bars with caramel and a chocolate coating. They are delicious. As George Costanza will tell you, Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. They come typically come in pairs of two per pack. Wikipedia tells me that they are called Twix because they are “twin sticks”. That makes sense. If you are an American, you love cookies, caramel, and chocolate; a candy that provides all of the above is proof that God loves us and wants us to be diabetic.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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