I am half Asian and half white. Let’s not get into specifics, it will take a while. As an Asian, my facial hair refuses to advance past the prepubescent stage. It takes about five days before you can start to notice my mustache creeping out. And so I get slightly jealous when I see a chick with better facial hair than me. I know she doesn’t want that beard, but I do, and she could share the wealth.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
Pulp Fiction. Spider-Man 2. Step Brothers. Futurama. Family Guy. Phil Lamarr links them all. Phil Lamarr is mostly a voiceover actor, appearing in dozens of animated shows and video games. But he also is recognizable from his gigs on MADtv and being “that guy” in lots of other things. I don’t feel sorry for him. He has a steady career with lots of cool jobs on his resume. I just feel bad that he doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves. Look at his bio on Wikipedia or IMDB, it’s pretty impressive. You’ve had this guy in your living room dozens of times without realizing it.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
Identical twins are nature’s clones. It’s awesome that you have a sibling that looks just like you, that shares the same birthday as you, and it’s awesome that you get to grow up together and share every milestone. But I don’t understand why parents insist on dressing their little toddler twins in matching outfits. They already look alike, they are fucking identical. You should be trying to differentiate the two of them, not only so you can tell them apart, but also so they develop their own personalities. Twins in matching outfits don’t make sense. They strive to look as similar as possible, and then they get mad when you can’t tell them apart. You can’t have it both ways. Twins with rhyming names are the worst offenders. Fuck you Cindy and Mindy, I don’t even know you, but I know you exist, and you are trouble.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
Ahmed Best is an actor and musician. He’s released a few albums with his group The Jazzhole, he’s performed nationally on stage in Stomp, and he was in the biggest movie of 1999. He did everything right in order to become a successful working actor…. But he played the worst character in cinematic history, in one of the most disappointing films of all time. Ahmed Best is Jar Jar Binks. What movie ruined the Star Wars franchise? The Phantom Menace. Why did the Phantom Menace suck so bad? Because George Lucas fucking hates me. And Jar Jar Binks was in it. Stupid, racist, annoying, CG stereotypes can make a bad movie even worse. And Ahmed Best will tell you that shitty parts mean a shitty career.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
You have probably seen Vanessa Lee Chester on the big screen before. You probably don’t remember her. She played Jeff Goldblum’s daughter in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. I feel bad for her. She did everything right in order to become a successful working actor. She started doing TV and small film roles, and eventually gets cast in a Steven Spielberg movie, a sequel to the then currently most successful movie of all time. Too bad it was a terrible movie and she played a terrible part. Her character was just another burden for Ian Malcolm to have to deal with. She spends most of the movie running around with Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, and Vince Vaughn, so no one noticed her. At least she got to kick a velociraptor to its death. That’s cooler than anything I’ve ever done.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
Donnie Wahlberg was in the New Kids on the Block. For a few years NKOTB was the shit. They were bigger than the Beatles, bigger than Jesus, bigger than your mom’s cavernous hoo-haw. He was so big, famous, rich and successful he decided to help out his little kid brother be a big white rapper. Little Marky Mark had a few singles, and an underwear campaign and next thing you know Little Marky Mark is Mark Wahlberg and a pretty decent movie star. And now Donnie Wahlberg is Mark Wahlberg’s brother, not the other way around.
Critically Rated at 12/17.
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
Krist Novoselic. You say “who?” and I say “Exactly.” This guy was one third of the biggest rock band of the early nineties. You still don’t know who I’m talking about. Here’s a hint: there’s Kurt Cobain, there’s Dave Grohl , and there’s the other guy in Nirvana. Krist Novoselic is that other guy. I don’t even know if I’m spelling his name correctly and I really don’t care.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
Tom Cochrane. Tom Cochrane is a musician/artist best known for his hit single “Life is a Highway”. The unfortunate part is that he is constantly mistaken for Tom Petty. This is most likely because of Napster and the days of mistakenly named MP3 files. Tom Cochrane’s voice could be misidentified as Petty’s but his lyrics are amateur and betray any real artistic integrity.
Critically Rated at 4/17.
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
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