Tag Archives: trash

February 25, 2014 · 9:58 am

Ant Invasion

I arrived home from a mini vacation to find a swarm of ants going to town on the garbage can in the kitchen. There were hundreds of ants around the trash. They were on the floor, on the can, and on the wall, everywhere. I had a problem and I had to deal with it immediately. The first thing I did was take out the trash. Whatever they wanted would soon be out of the kitchen and in the curbside can. Then I had to get rid of the remaining ants. I didn’t have any bug spray, but I had a bottle of Simple Green and I figured that could be an effective weapon. And it turns out, it was beyond effective. A single spritz of Simple Green killed dozens of ants instantly. Whatever chemical combination they use in that magical elixir stopped the ants in their tracks and killed them dead. A couple of blasts was all it took to stop the invasion, and then it took a few paper towels to wipe up all the ant corpses. The Simple Green had the added bonus of cleaning and disinfecting the crime scene as well. The kitchen was actually cleaner after the massacre. I’m a hero to humanity and a murder to the ants. I stopped the ant invasion.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2014 · 12:40 pm

Putting Your Trash Next To The Garbage Can But Not In It

There’s some asshole/idiot that I work with that doesn’t know how garbage cans work. He knows what they are for, but he doesn’t know how to use them properly. I know this because he has a habit of bringing his trash to the garbage can, but he leaves it on the floor beside it for somebody else to put it in. It’s very weird. He will take the time to pick up his trash, he will carry it all the way to the garbage can, and then he won’t take the extra half-second or so to throw it away himself. Putting your trash next to the garbage can but not in it is a glorious way of littering. You’re not making the world a better place. You’re just pissing people off and somebody might write a blog post about how much of a lazy dickhole you are. Either clean up after yourself or don’t. There’s no need to pretend you’re not a litterbug.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 1, 2013 · 11:13 am

Cleaning Up After a Party

My favorite type of party is a house party. It’s more casual, it’s more comfortable, and it’s usually more fun than going to the bar (not to mention way cheaper). A few people cook or bring food, most people bring booze, and everyone gets hammered. You laugh and eat and drink and have a good time. But time has a way of slogging on and soon the party will be over, everyone will go home and you will be left with a mess. The best way to handle cleaning up after a party is to acknowledge that your house is trashed and you are too. Then you drink another beer and deal with it in the morning. You have to break down the job into smaller tasks. Gather up all the bottles and cans first, then go around with a garbage bag and get all the random trash and used condoms off the ground (it’s not a party without a used condom), do the dishes, move the furniture back into place, then you can wipe down the counters and spray everything with Lysol. Throwing a party is fun, cleaning up after is a bitch. But at least you get to keep all the extra beers that everyone left behind.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 17, 2013 · 9:59 am

Leaving Your Trash in Public

I was taking my usual train to work today and I saw a middle aged guy wearing a suit reading the newspaper and sipping some Starbucks. I thought that he was a typical businessman on his way to the office, but then he left his newspaper and used cup on the ground by his seat when he got off the train. I had to do a double take, I believe flabbergasted is the word. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Why is he so important that he feels like he can leave his fucking garbage for somebody else to deal with? Leaving your trash in public is pretty low. Even your mom would lose respect for you if she caught you doing that. She raised you better than that. Nobody likes a litterbug. You shouldn’t be allowed outside if you can’t handle cleaning up after yourself.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 17, 2013 · 9:52 am

Gum Wrapper

A gum wrapper is the individual wrapper for a piece of gum. It helps keep the gum fresh, sanitary, and from sticking to other pieces of gum. Smart people hold on to the wrapper so they can spit the gum into it when it loses its flavor. Dumb people throw away the gum wrapper as soon as they open it and then they spit the gum on the ground or stick it under the table when they’re done chewing it. A gum wrapper is not a piece of trash. It’s a portable protector for unused gum that also doubles as a disposable device for used gum. What a novel concept.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 8, 2012 · 11:00 am

The Wrong Size Trash Bags

You used up the last of your trash bags and it’s time to get more. You go to the store and are slightly overwhelmed by the many different choices. There’s different brands, different capacities, different colors, some have handles, some don’t. You grab the one that’s on sale and head to the register. You get home, open the box, take off a bag, whip it open, try to fit it in the garbage can, and realize it’s way too small. You have a whole roll of garbage bags that don’t fit your garbage can. What the fuck, 15 gallon capacity isn’t enough? Getting the wrong size trash bags makes you want to put one of those bags over your head so you asphyxiate and die.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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