I am fortunate enough to be suffering from a dental abscess right now. That means that I look like a fucking chipmunk, but my cheek is bulging with pus and blood as opposed to acorns. I spent a few days wearing hoodies and hoping that it would go away. It didn’t. It got bigger and more obvious. It looked like I got in a fight and lost. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I took the day off and went to the Emergency Room. Fuck Disneyland, the Emergency Room is the happiest place on Earth. It’s full of sick, hurt and suffering people and the wait time is longer than the DMV.
My name was finally called and they took me into a small room and gave me an IV, some antibiotics and some morphine. I really liked the morphine. They left me alone for 45 minutes as the IV did its thing and I watched a movie on my iPhone. Then the doctor put a small slit in my mouth and started to squeeze the abscess like it was a glorified pimple. The nurse had a little clear vacuum that she used to suck up an obscene amount of pus and blood. It’s amazing how disgusting the human body can be. The procedure was pretty painless. The only downside is that I can’t drink alcohol for a few days. That hurts more than the abscess.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young